November 04, 2009

Crosswalks IDs

My morning agenda included errands, and lots of them. Post office, bank, shoe store, drug store, grocery store, and liquor store (every afternoon should feature Prosecco or some equally satisfying apertif). In addition to these run of the mill tasks, I threw in having a key cut.

I drove to do my errands. I would have walked had I the time and were I able to balance parcels on my head. A squished disc in my neck prevents me from doing so (an old Limbo injury for which, in 1969 there was no insurance coverage – my, times have changed). I would have walked because I like walking. It builds the lungs, leaves the car in the driveway, saves on bus fare. Good, and on so many levels.

But when I’m driving, walking is bad – other people walking, that is.  They slow you down, they step off the sidewalk causing one to brake the bejesus out of the car – ABS must stand for “Another Bloody Stop” – and, worst of all, they abuse the crosswalk.

There are several varieties of crosswalk delinquents. Here is a partial list of what drivers deal with daily:

1. The Ambler. Distinguishable by hands in the pockets, gaze wandering and a general impression of no-particular-place-to-go. Oddly, it is almost always is a man, and his demeanor gives one the idea that he is in one of two states of mind: happy with the world and all of God’s little gifts and blessings; morbidly low-spirited, and close to punching out your headlight with his bare fist.

2. The Texter. This one’s easy. They have a mobile device in their hand, never look up to see what might be hurtling in their direction, and occasionally stop mid-crosswalk. OMG must mean “come to a complete stop right now and stare at the display screen”. I sometimes wish I could text them at that moment. MYLA (move your lazy ass). There is also the MYFA option.

3. The Back and Forth Bouncer: Unable to decide, they see the crosswalk has switched from walk to don’t walk. They think they can beat it. They put one foot down, but immediately pull it back to the sidewalk. This action is repeated several times giving a bouncing effect. At the last possible moment, they begin to dash across, but the dash is soon abandoned because it makes them look uncool.

4. The Lovers: Don’t be fooled by first appearance which can mislead you into thinking this is one person with two heads. These are two people side by side. Literally, side by side. Perhaps it could be described as “side on side”. They move in tandem, with each step in perfect coordination with the other’s. They go slowly, thinking that to step it up might cause them to fly apart. Which they will anyway next Friday night after someone’s “best friend” has too many “Arbor Mists”.

5. The Death Wish: Look for a dark hoodie that covers the wearer’s face. If the face is covered, you can assume the eyes are not in operation. GO SLOW! But scream out the window.

6. The Rude Little Snip Of A Thing in High Heels: she can’t walk in them, she’s much younger than you, she’s a bitch and you hate her.

7. The Stupid and/or Confused. They walk on the red, stop on the green. Or walk on green and stop on the ….oh, I don’t know.

8. Oprah Winfrey: This will be obvious. Up side of this one: if you cry because she’s taking so long, she may give you a car or pay for your make-over.

I could go on, but what a waste of your time. After all, you know what I’m talking about. Unless you’re walking.


One Response to “Crosswalks IDs”
  1. Jane Greening

    Very funny post. Well written and enjoyable. And we ALL know what you are talking about. What I hate are those crosswalk lights, which as soon as you are approaching, they go on and someone steps in front of you as if because the light is on, your car can magically come to a stop.
    Good post.